How WFH is still putting strain on relationships
This article is one of a six-part editorial series that will examine the importance of work relationships and how social dynamics are evolving between coworkers, peers, bosses, families, and clients, in the hybrid era, and amid the rise of artificial intelligence. More from the series →
Working from home has its perks, but it can also add strain in unforeseen ways – like relationships.
Many couples fell apart during the peak days of the Covid-19 pandemic when everyone was forced to work from home. In fact, the U.K.’s largest family law firm Stowe Family Law reported a 95% increase in divorce inquiries during the pandemic (with women driving the surge in interest). While in the U.S., Legal Templates, which sells legal forms written by licensed attorneys, reported a 34% increase in sales of its divorce agreement in the first half of 2020 (when lockdown kicked in), compared to the same time period in 2019.
But the turmoil didn’t necessarily stop when offices opened back up and hybrid schedules were in full swing. Many couples are still navigating, four years later, the best dynamic when it comes to working from home, even if it is for just a few days a week.
“If you live with that person and you’re both working from home, you’re essentially coworkers and not giving the kind of space that’s needed,” said Connell Barrett, founder and executive coach of Dating Transformation. “You could already be sick of each other by 6 p.m.”
That was the case for one person WorkLife spoke with, who asked to remain anonymous. She has worked from home since even before the pandemic and recognized quickly she needs to be with someone who has a job just as busy as her own. She said that working from home has affected her relationships – so much so that she strongly prefers to date someone who works outside of the home. It has directly impacted her preferences and choices for a partner.
A big part of that is due to not having enough space for two people to work from home seamlessly alongside one another. “It’s important to me to have someone who is out of the house during the day time,” the woman told WorkLife. “Unless I have a giant mansion and I don’t need to see you all day, then we’d be in each other’s space 24/7. I need separation and independence … not someone who is sitting on the couch asking if I’m done yet.”
Barrett, who doesn’t live with his partner but sometimes works with her during the week, said that he makes sure to give her space, especially during things like meetings. If she’s on Zoom, that means he’s downstairs in the lounge of the apartment building. “I want her to not be focused on how she’s coming across in front of me too,” said Barrett. And overall, that’s worked for them.
Shaurya Gahlawat, a psychologist, relationship expert and corporate consultant, says that many others also manage to balance the work-from-home dynamic well with their partners. Some of her clients even love working from home with their partners, sharing that it brought newfound intimacy to their relationships. But, not everyone is quite there yet.
“Some couples may thrive in the shared experience of remote work and others may face challenges that require open communication, boundary-setting, and mutual understanding to navigate successfully,” said Gahlawat.
For example, one of her male clients in his late 20s mentioned how he would prefer that he and his wife work from the office because he feels as though they are always together and have no time apart. He felt burdened by having to be there for her emotionally, physically, mentally and logistically 24/7.
And sometimes it goes to the highest degree. One of her female clients who spent more time with her fiancé because they were both working from home ended up calling off their wedding because she saw new personality traits that she did not align with.
“Differences in work schedules, communication preferences and noise levels, can exacerbate tensions and create friction within the household,” said Gahlawat. “By acknowledging and addressing the unique challenges of remote work, couples can work together to find solutions that strengthen their relationship and support each other’s well-being.”
She said one of the most common clashes when both parties are working from home is when they are unable to segregate physical and mental presence. The smaller the home, the harder it might be to work from home. Other concerns that come up, she says, include one person wanting the partner to always be available, or they feel overall stressed being together all the time.
But that’s not to say a couple working from home together are doomed. Ever since the pandemic, we’ve learned a lot about what can help or hurt a relationship under such circumstances.
“While working from home can present its own set of challenges, many couples have found that it has strengthened their relationship and provided opportunities for growth, connection, and intimacy,” said Gahlawat.
You get to see a side of your partner you might have missed out on, there’s more quality time, and work-life balance might allow for flexibility around dates and new traveling opportunities. You can also encourage one another to build your social circles to have time apart too, stressed Barret. For example, that might mean one person going to the gym while the other is in a pottery class.
“It’s tougher to get into a good relationship if this person you’re romantically interested in is the main person you spend physical time with,” said Barrett. “Create a social circle with a hobby you love and be with people in the real world.”
Gahlawat suggests that anyone who is facing challenges with working from home with their partner to set boundaries, communicate effectively, and respect one another’s working styles. That means informing your partner beforehand about specific times for meetings, if you prefer the door open or closed, if you’ll spend lunch together, and so on.
“By embracing the unique advantages of remote work and prioritizing communication, collaboration, and mutual support, couples can navigate the complexities of working from home together and emerge with a stronger, more resilient partnership,” said Gahlawat.