TikTok trend watch: Being very demure at work
“You see how I do my makeup for work? Very demure, very mindful,” says TikTok creator Jools Lebron in a clip with upwards of three million likes that went viral last week.
“I don’t come to work with a green cut crease, I don’t do too much, I’m very mindful when I’m at work. See how I look? Very presentable? The way I came to the interview is the way I go to the job.”
She’s talking about toning down one’s look, but also personality, at the workplace. Or being more reserved and modest, as “demure” means by definition. The word itself is taking off online with users posting their own clips calling nearly anything demure. But the idea of being demure at work specifically is getting special interest as a method to get ahead personally and professionally.
Some workplace experts say it could be particularly damaging for young women to intentionally act less bold on the job though, and end up hampering their career advancement.
“Women are supposed to be gracious and kind and say thank you and apologize, which are some of those sort of words and buzz phrases that people associate with demure,” said Christy Pruitt-Haynes, distinguished faculty for leadership and performance at the Neuroleadership Institute.
“However, that goes against what we typically describe as someone who is successful, because those people tend to be a bit more outspoken, a bit more defined and definite in what they are capable of,” she said. “My fear is that the entire demure trend is going to be taken to the level of saying, just accept whatever is handed to you. Don’t worry about pushing for promotions. Don’t worry about showing what you can really do.”
Research shows that women already are less likely to be promoted than men, in large part due to perceptions of them and their personal potential rather than the work they’ve already delivered. An MIT study published in 2022 found women received higher performance ratings on average than men, but received 8% lower ratings when evaluated on their potential. As a result, female employees on average were 14% less likely to be promoted than their male colleagues.
It’s no question that women are professionally impacted by expectations of how they should behave in the workplace. But others say the definition of the word “demure” isn’t so straightforward, evidenced by its wide-ranging use online and increasingly in in-person conversations.
“Traditionally, ‘demure’ has meant being reserved, quiet and maybe even a little shy. In the workplace, that could translate to someone who holds back their ideas, avoids speaking up in meetings and generally keeps their head down,” said Jon Morgan, CEO and editor-in-chief of Venture Smarter, a consulting firm.
But being demure doesn’t have to mean being weak and can sometimes instead describe someone who embodies a kind of quiet confidence, Morgan said, adding “The trick is to find ways to showcase your skills and ideas in a way that feels authentic to you – whether that’s through written reports, concise and impactful presentations, or simply being the person who asks the insightful questions that no one else thought of.”